The-Yellow-Ardvark's blog
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
Submitted by The-Yellow-Ardvark on Mon, 08/31/2009 - 10:21
Autumn Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE
Submitted by The-Yellow-Ardvark on Sat, 06/20/2009 - 22:27Autumn Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by 31st July 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours...
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Dear Grandson
Submitted by The-Yellow-Ardvark on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 08:33Dear grandson Dear Grandson, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker... I was feeling particularly good that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting... So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I glad I did; an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy junction, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant advert he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Wales back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Scottish good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Scotland, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Scottish good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma
10 things what piss a dog off
Submitted by The-Yellow-Ardvark on Wed, 05/27/2009 - 08:05Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
1 Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2 Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
3 Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4 Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
5 Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6 The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7 Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9 Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10 How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
1 Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2 Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
3 Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4 Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
5 Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6 The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7 Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9 Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10 How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
What if.....
Submitted by The-Yellow-Ardvark on Fri, 05/08/2009 - 07:59What if
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
Wrong thing to say at the right time.
Submitted by The-Yellow-Ardvark on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 03:03One of my girlfriends’ friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children.
She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation, that she might never be a mother.
She's a good-looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out -- purely altruistically of course.
She shot me a death-ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.
"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you."
Daffy Duck
Submitted by The-Yellow-Ardvark on Wed, 04/22/2009 - 08:08Daffy Duck Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a pack of condoms.
The reception says, shall I put them on your bill?
Daffy replies……………………..
The reception says, shall I put them on your bill?
Daffy replies……………………..
Politics Explained
Submitted by The-Yellow-Ardvark on Sun, 04/19/2009 - 01:59Politics A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
Had A Bad day, Read This.
Submitted by The-Yellow-Ardvark on Mon, 04/13/2009 - 05:31Rectal Thermometer When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
$0 Things Not to say at work
Submitted by The-Yellow-Ardvark on Fri, 04/03/2009 - 08:1140 Things You Would Like To Say At Work
1. I Can See Your Point, But I Still Think You're Full Of Shit.
2. I Don't Know What Your Problem Is, But I'll Bet It's Hard To Pronounce.
3. How About Never? Is Never Good For You?
4. I See You've Set Aside This Special Time To Humiliate Yourself In Public.
