Punishments are something that makes me able to let go of something that has happened and move on. Something I otherwise have a very hard time to do.
Smaller things are usually just dealt with by a slap on the cheek and a stern voice. It was so this time too, but apparently that was not enough to relieve my guilt that in stead kept building and getting worse as the days went by...
Last night when I were talking to Master we stumbled on to the subject of this small act of disobedience that occurred when I were last visiting Him.
It was not something serious really but as it turned out to have become something huge in my mind.
I felt so bad about it I started to cry just because He asked me about why I had done it. It's not completely unheard of that I disobey every now and then and I do it for a few different reasons so He wanted to check what it was this time.
The reason I reacted so strongly were (probably) because I were never properly punished for it.
He didn't see it necessary because He got things His way in the end anyways, but for some reason this stayed in the back of my head and I couldn't let it go. Not even when He said He forgave me for it. It still kept nagging on me and I kept crying about it.
My need to pay for my crime had gotten so big I couldn't enjoy our conversations properly out of fear that He was mad at me, I kept taking every little thing as a sign of Him not being happy with me or being tired of me... Something that just can't be allowed to continue when you have a real loving relationship built on trust, admiration and respect of one another.
This was something new to us.
I have been in to BDSM for almost 12 years now. It's been my lifestyle (lived with it 24/7) for about 7 years and I usually have no problems letting go of things and have always done so in the past with those I have been with at the time. This time however I were not able to.
My desire to please Him and give Him all that I am have made me extremely sensitive to disappointing Him in any way. I get crushed when it happens.
So what happened with this?
Well, the lesson was learned (I need to be punished even if the infraction is minor) and Master came to the conclusion that He needs to punish me next time we see each other.
He isn't doing it because He feels it necessary due to the crime committed, but rather because He saw how much it hurt me to keep thinking about it and not be able to let it go. To truly be able to go past this I need the redemption of His punishment.
10 really hard lashes without any worm-up is waiting for me next time. 10 lashes that will each and every one of them probably make me cry out in pain, for I know how Masters punishments are.
I fear the lashes, but I know that I deserve them and need them for more reasons then one this time. .
And yes, in a way you might say I have been punishing myself over this since it happened, and I know I truly have, but I somehow need Master to do so too in order to fully move on — forgiven, as I so be.
Thank god I have the worlds best Master, that sees my desires and grants me what I so well need to have peace at heart and soul.