He has been keeping me much busier than expected, these days I do not have so much computer time at my disposal.....

    There is a certain despair in worshipping a god so mighty, the outside so perfect to my eyes, and yet he is so changed I do not know him. Master please, I want you back!

    I know many who come to these websites do so because they flirt with the idea of submission. Oh yes its in their mind, they explore in in a safe environment, in their heads at night when they lay down to rest, most take it no further. Some of them take many years, and may even travel their entire lifetime never knowing its realities. Then there are those who have felt it albeit only momentarily, either quite by accident by engaging with an extreme lover and receiving something they did not expect, or being brave enough to know what was coming first hand. I admire those souls, the first time is the hardest time of all.

    Then there are those who are no accidental tourists, they regularly seek and enjoy the joys of consensual, nonconsensual roughness. For some this dalliance with the dark is enough, yet for others, those brave few it opens a dark portal. Those who know they house the aches and longings of the willing masochist. People like me......

    We are the fodder of both the most covetous love and the most hateful derision. We are the few who take on the most dangerous voyage should we choose the wrong dominant. I’ve met many such of these beautiful and broken souls, most of them are still the much sought after slave, most of them still enmeshed in some pretty heavy 24/7. For to not be so would leave us so lost and broken, we could not find the courage to continue.

    Hate feeds on hate, each action designed to break your pride, sever your past, and skew your reality takes you further and further down this dark path. Its like being washed down a storm drain with the muddy turgid water. There is no return for you. Most people know this, its like cutting, or cocaine. You don’t do it to begin with, oh but once you start, stopping is way too late!

    He and I have reached that bitter destination the non romance of derision and the place it leads. Where brutality is the norm, and we don’t feel the appropriate sensations any more. We are both guilty, I have let him become this way, and he has taken me there. Neither of us fight it, and I know he does not question if indeed it is wrong. It is in our hearts now I know it, and we are approaching the end of the highway, I do not know what awaits us there.........

    Yesterday I was feeling so low I decided this was the evening to see if it was at all possible via his derision to arrive at my final destination.......

    If I was going to attempt this I had to do it right, so I didn’t make dinner, nor I had done a single task he had asked of me throughout the day. I ignored his single phone call, and just for good measure I had cut myself with a razor blade and with delight let it bleed over tomorrows nicely ironed white shirt. You wont save me today little one, oh no not this day.

    He walked through the door, I was naked, kneeling, my slashed arms outstretched covered in angry mutilations, clearly visible. “You wont make me feel sorry for you like you made my brother feel,” he said harshly as he strode on by. He sat at the head of the table. I had not set it either. He waited. I remained seated by the door. He coughed, I ignored him. Finally he said icily over the television. “Where is my dinner?” His tone jaded, I knew without looking up he was looking about the room assessing my day’s lack of progress. This is it Myra, this is the final straw.

    Heavy, impatient footfalls, fingers like claws in my hair. I yelped, he pulled out a tuft of it in his fury. He hauled me up and leered into my face, his gold hair in my eyes like a curtain about us. “What the fuck is going on?” No answer will infuriate him more, oh yes I know what buttons to press on this man. It was so easy.......

    He shook me then, I was nothing in his grasp. I looked up into his eyes boldly to see into the eye of the storm. I had never found the courage before. I was no longer afraid. He had hurt me in every way imaginable and now he had nothing left. He looked as though he was going to explode, his usually handsome face twisted in a mask of unbridled fury. I closed my eyes and I felt his hands reaching about my throat. Yes Sir do it I thought, encouraging him only in my mind. His hands are very large and very powerful. His thumbs went to the front of my throat to press on my esophagus. His fingers entwined at the base of my neck and he began to steadily apply pressure. He was not talking anymore, and I relaxed into his malignant embrace.

    However one’s body is a betrayer, its a coward even when the mind desires to die. As he pressed harder and I began to cough, no matter how hard I tried my body began to fight him. My nails sought soft places, I struggled and thrashed. I kicked at him though I could no longer see as my vision was swimming in a haze. Then it happened I had been to this place many times previous, the place where you give up. To my delight my last memory was of him still applying pressure to my throat. Yes, finally I have won.......

    A sudden jarring pain as my head thudded on the wooden floor. It was like being struck by lightening. I opened my eyes and gasped the sweetness of oxygen. Oh no, no! He was hovering above. He was screaming at me but he sounded so far away. I had to struggle against my bewildered wits to hear him. “You will not goad me Myra, you will not manipulate me!” He screamed. “If I were to snuff out your worthless life my brother would see I was locked away. You are not worth it, you stupid whore! I ought to fuckin take you into Romania, sell you to some gutter trash man, and I wouldn't be surprised if he never looked for you! I just might when my son is born!” He spat in my face, the warm gob ran down my cheek over my lip and dripped to the floor. I lay there immobile and angry, my throat crushed, bruised, and winded. I so hated him, and the fearful neanderthal he had become.