I know it all. what I should do ,all the rules, to make a meeting safe and as secure as it can be, but I have broken all those rules, I know about the danger, but I have broken all those rules. I can´t explain why, but when it happends, it is other things that makes me loose controle. it is not always we do things we should do, and not always we do right choises.

Something occurred to me, as being a newbie and asking all sorts of BIG questions too.

Before you can go out and trust a username, a real name, a bio, you must first trust yourself that you are comfortable in what you want/do not want. While learning as you go is important, to get yourself in a position to enjoy it safely, you must first trust yourself!

Some recent advice is true, "if it feels wrong, it probably is". That seems obvious, but deserves internal investigation about oneself. If you've been thinking you're a slave, but find things that you object to that are common to slaves, perhaps you're a submissive or vice versa. A no lesser descriptor, but a more defined definition of you.

In the end, when you are left with "the bucket", who can you trust? In the perfect sub's world, a Dom is of the most important trust bond... but if that is not the case, at least you have knowledge that you are where you should be. A bottom/sub/slave should have trust in itself.

-petunia

I agree with Kamen, that trust is the relationship. And as you (OP) said, it doesn't make any difference if it's in a vanilla or BDSM context. Sick men (and women) are everywhere, in vanilla boards, at the street corner (in governments and in the church).

It depends on oneself what requirements in a session or relationship one has and how hard it would be to regain lost trust. Mileages may vary a lot depending on your specific personality and this should shape the individual strategy of being trusty.

Of course some "background check" is obligatory. By talking a lot about everything and anything (and not about BDSM) inconsistencies can be enticed and disclosed. In case of any contradiction, hands off. But there will never be complete honesty because that would require an objective measure of truth that doesn't exist.

By meeting the other person in their circle of friends the rules of the social environment will stay effective (i.e. one may lose their good reputation). When just looking for sessions than well known people in the scene could be the right address and references could be helpful.

I think trust is extremely important. I've just started to accept some of my fantasies and I'm trying to learn more and maybe explore them. When I couldn't admit them to myself I couldn't trust anyone else to talk about my dreams. I'm still very new but I think building that sort of trust is necessary for a relationship to succeed. If I don't trust the guy enough to discuss my desires, how could I trust him enough to explore them?

Hey-o! My perspective comes from a long-term relationship and now recently single again and trying to find play partners. Trust is imperative. Obviously. If it's a casual and new relationship, make your first meeting professional. Fill out a play checklist for EACH party. SIGN them. That way you're more open to trusting a stranger because you have discussed your wants/needs and your limits. That's important. And even if you're in a committed D/s relationship, you should be communicating your limits and desires and concerns on a regular basis. You can build much deeper levels of trust and feelings of love between you.

I'm sure of could have put this a little more eloquently lol, but oh well. Those are some of my thoughts on that.

I'm surprised there isnt more discussion on this topic, as important as it is. Trust is not, to me, important for the relationship, it IS the relationship, period. kink and fetish are nice additions but I have seen many times where they have stolen the spotlight not just for the moment but all the time!

Trust, once broken, is possible to earn back, but it depends on a great many things. Hitting some deep landmine and spooking the sub is an occupational hazard, for instance. I've seen that one handled well, things imediately stop and the problem discussed and worked through. I've also seen the sub bolt in panic, cry abuse and cut all contact with the dom who is left wondering what just happened.

Even the best of us are only human, mistakes are inevitable. It is then that trust will let those involved face the fallout of a mistake together, and bond stronger. Without it, stick a fork in that relationship.

These risks, and that power exchange attract many who have no business having power, tends to create a paranoia that some tend to defend without seeing it for what it is. Yes, we must be on guard for scammers, players and idiots, but we must also be willing and able to lower that guard when the time is right, and allow for individuals to be individuals.

There is also a difference between the sick men (and women!) and those who just dont know any better. Some come into the lifestyle with some really scary misconceptions. Part of communication is calling BS before calling foul, and the response to that will show someones true colors. The good ones will listen and learn.