Just a sort of goodbye post really. If I could delete my profile and pics on here I would do and find it annoying that its not a basic function, especially when the pics could do me some future damage.

It seems timely that the week I decide to leave the site (at least for a while anyway), that my membership runs out and I find comments that arent needed on a thread just cos I make a comment about feeling offended about something, which is my right, or must no one have feelings anymore? Please! If a thread is so obviously about me and you dont like me then why read it? it would seem just to say something nasty! Pathetic as ever!!! This site is amazing for people to dis each other and be unnecessary I find and as I'm sure I've mentioned in the past, perfect for those who have no real identity online in pic form so are shielded by anonymity and can feel free to say any old tat to anyone. So in that respect its healthier to be rid and to also be rid of negative people who are repeat offenders and not be part of it anymore as its just childish and petty.

I'm pleased that I have finally decided against a Master or Dom in my life as nothing good ever came from it in at least 4yrs which is ALOT...and it now rules out so much pomp and rubbish and silly comments that people choose to take it upon themselves to leave. Its a relief. I just dont believe in the unreality of some things and the huge amount of play acting that some people may get into and the false respect that is ordered when some people dont deserve even an ounze and call give themselves a title which isnt deserving of it. The whole matter of this winds me up no end and is nice to now leave behind.

Anyway, to my friends on here, take care, and maybe see you around at some point. To everyone else...well....I dont think I need to leave a parting gesture, its pretty obvious what it would be!

You may of realised by now I'm taking an extensive break from here and persuing other vanilla interests. I'm enjoying them alot, have lost 10lbs in the last 5wks and am also being very good lately in regards to quitting alcohol and men and out of control behaviour as things needed to change, I needed to change in order to get the things I really wanted in my life and feel mentally healthy as well as much healthier physically which is an ongoing crusade. I am not looking for a man in my life at present and I am happy with this and find once again I am stronger without. I will know when someone suitable comes along though, if he does at all, until then I wont be meeting anyone for fun or anything else. I am undertaking a new course also and this means I have to change my lifestyle and so need to be somewhat distant from this scene if I am to succeed. But to be honest, I feel quite bored with it anyway and its not as important as it used to be to me in the past. Recent bad experiences have actually done me a favour and caused me to look at myself and I have made healthy changes to my life and feel ten million times better. What with this in mind it only makes me even more resolved to only enact my slutty side with someone I'm in a long term relationship with and not before. But as I say, I am not actively looking right now as I have more important matters to get on with and more enjoyable pursuits to persue.

I do check in every now and again to check for messages though or comment on something that may catch my eye but I wont be posting blogs every other day as I used to anymore. I find to get too involved on here and in the scene only helps to cause me problems in one way or another and as everyone knows, I just kept meeting the wrong men constantly, not getting anywhere, feeling so wretched about it all and putting myself in the most stupid risky situations which I will never again do, so the less of that occuring, the better. Now at least I know it wont be happening anytime soon, hooray!

I have really learnt alot in the last couple of months, and I think, grown up tons, so I am actually thankful that what happened did as its changed me for the better! What a relief that something positive came out of all the bullshit!!!

I am so happy, I have just come back from weight watchers and found in two weeks I have lost 7lbs or 3.2 kilos. So I have my silver 7 already. Must be the gym and the diet. I am aching like crazy today after doing 3 more days this week at the gym and alot of weights and cross training. Was so exhausted today though, but it was all well worth it, back to the gym again over the next few days now. And hoping that my goal to lose the excess will materialise for xmas and then I can go that little bit further and lost an extra stone just to get within the healthy range which will be a first for me. I was quite pleased when someone said to me and another member...'ah, shes great when she gets going, does really well'. I now need to stick to my reputation as being an excellent slimmer like I was a few years back and most importantly, keep it off.

I had a session last week which was a bit too harsh for me, and I know I can never be a painslut and thats a sure thing. So any bookings I now do will have to be milder and my tolerance tested first to make sure I am happy with the gadge of the blows delivered and dont have to worry about being gagged and bound so I cant move and cant communicate and dont have to use my safeword either. I feel thats the way forward now for any bdsm style bookings at least anyway. Its not put me off but it has made me think more about what I can and cant do. Even if I might like the person who's doing it to me, at the end of the day it comes down to the content of the session and if I cant deliver whats wanted then theres not really any point and I wouldnt want to waste anyone elses time or money. And as from the middle of next month my life will become increasingly busy with 4 courses and the gym so making a booking will become harder although weekends are probably a sure bet in between course work.

Now after having done two bookings in the last couple of days and then having a chance encounter with someone very unexpected whom I never thought would be remotely interested in me, I am tired. I have been preparing myself for tomorrows long afternoon hardcore booking with the stern Master. Been out to buy the things we need, now have to get my bag ready. Already written him a scenario we could work on as requested and really would just like to relax now and watch a dvd, but I cant. Last night I met a nice Irish chap who wanted to spank me and have lots of oral and that was fine by me as I'm starting to really appreciate spanking these days. Then after that, meeting or rather 'randomly bumping into' a friend of a friend whilst waiting for my bus home (which I missed due to him) who was being very friendly and when at my house just chatting, came onto a very shocked me, a few hours went past being fucked and sucking him off with my best deepthroat which again pleased. Then this afternoon I had another booking with a very enthusiastic old man, the oldest I've met so far. One thing I liked was being on a ladder arms above my head grasping onto the bars, legs around his shoulders as he ate me out and then turning around for a spanking and slight whipping. I think that guy fell in love with me and last nights was certainly inamoured too and told me I'd find tons of work in Ireland as 'I'm real' and offer so many services no one else there does.

I'm really nervous about tomorrow. I know I have to be the most obediant and submissive I've ever been and not object to even the slightest thing or try and shy away from the pain. I've had to order clamps with weights on too and whilst at it I ordered a ring gag and a collar to wrist restraint which does up behind the back. Today I bought a plastic funnel and some elastic bands. I have a feeling he wants the bands to tie my tits up. But the funnel which I bought thinking it would be good for piss play he wants for something else and I hope its not an enema I'll be forced to hold! I will HATE that. We have an agreement that I'll be paid upon performance, not on my rates. This means he might pay me alot better than my rates providing I behave and I guess for him its ideal as it means a greater control over me and ensures my complete obediance. But I want to learn to be obediant anyway, so it does benefit me as I am learning all the while, be it in a strict and possibly 'too much for me', manner. Hes glad I'm scared of him he told me, turns him on more. Indeed I dont dare misbehave this time, in any way. But a whole afternoon will be tough on me being so good and with no safewords. I guess I'll write more afterwards, maybe on Saturday when its all been done. I have no idea what I'm going to wear? I better get onto it now or else tomorrow will be murder....I will certainly sleep very well tonight, I'm exhausted!!!