Well thanks to everyone who advised on the gangbang thing and said what they thought about collar me also. I have decided after also talking to two of my male friends...one into kink, the other not, that I will NOT be going to the gangbang. I got in earlier and the guy had asked me to be at the location tomorrow evening. I texted back that I had reservations about the whole bareback thing, wasnt into it at all or just being used all night long as a cocksucker. I wanted to at least get fucked, but all he seems to care about is cum, cum and more cum!

I'm not into the idea of bareback whatsoever, it would be the worst thing I could do as if I went along I might not be in any position to get out of it.

This guys not my Master or Dom, he has his own sub and she does what shes told as she wants to do it and doesnt care about her sexual health clearly....but I am not his sub, slave or anything else and as someone said to me...its my job to guard my own safety. I dont have a good feeling about it and if the one person who should be making sure I am okay is the one person whos putting on the pressure for me to do things I have hard limits on then thats a really BAD sign. I cant trust him, therefor I cant put myself into his care, as there wont be any!!! HIV isnt something I want either thanks. And yes...if in the future I do meet someone for me what the hell would they think if I turned around and said...sorry, I have to tell you I have HIV or Herpes, etc? Talk about a show-stopper...I'm not having that.

So the all round conclusion of everyone was a big fat NO, in capital letters...a NO and dont even go there. I think in light of that I would be a total fool to ignore both that advice and my gut feeling.

Hmm, was all excited about the prospect of a gangbang tomorrow but now I'm not so sure?

Last night exchanged a million texts with the guy I'm going with and found out its his girlfriend whos the other girl coming along and shes probably more slutty than I am. In fact I know she is but thats the problem...because of what she does he expect me to do the same...basically shes a bareback girl. I DONT do that. I'm sick of people assuming that just because I'm a slut I will put myself at risk like that and let all and sundry cum into me after having known them for 2 seconds before they screw me. I have no problem with fucking someone I've just met minutes before but I do draw the line at doing it unprotected and I am not on birth control either. I feel I have enough to contend with right now healthwise with my back, depression and trying to lose weight and combat anxiety, I dont need to worry about pregnancy and std's too....and right before I go into hospital at that. I play safe. I suck unprotected and even thats taking a risk really, but I will not fuck a random stranger without using anything.

As much as I would love to just abandon common sense and do it, as right now its one of my main fantasies to take many men bareback, it has to stay as a fantasy cos I'm just not that stupid. I've always prided myself with NEVER having caught any sexual disease, but I've got to say, I have been really lucky as there have been times I've gone without through drunken mishaps and in relationships. I am INCREDIBLY lucky really and I dont want to push it as I really believe that my luck will run out. At College I knew a girl who always used protection....but the one time she didnt she caught Herpes!!! She has that for life now, we were only 17 at the time too and she was a great looking girl, now that shes blighted with that it must be a little harder for her and a great hinderance. I would die if I caught that, yuck! I know the risks of that are strong from oral sex too, but, I would hope that I would be abloe to identify if anything doesnt look right. Then again, in a dark room, like a cinema it may be difficult.

The other thing is that this guy has mentioned on more than one occasion that he wants to blindfold me and have me fucked. As great as this sounds its crazy....I think it would be a free for all for people to fuck me and cum inside me...what would I do?

I've said a few times now that I dont do those things, especially NOT with someone I've yet to meet. Trust is needed. But he keeps repeating the same things over and over and saying, well, she'll fuck anyone I tell her too, you cant be fussy, she'll do this and that and that. But the thing is....I am NOT her. I actually value my sexual health status and dont want to change it for the worst.

I also have a thing that I ONLY do white men. This may offend some people but its my body and thats the way it is. I shouldnt have to apologise for it, its a personal preference. I did try black, asian, etc, my first boyfriend was black, I lost my virginity in Jamaica and slept with two guys and have done more since and I've had a few asian men and other races too...but for the last 6 years or so I've always prefered white men...last time I had a black man was last year but I was sort of conned into that one and I didnt enjoy it either. I have few hard limits but one of them now is that I only do white men. Its not much to ask for is it? This guy said I shouldnt be fussy, I had to let anyone fuck me...but I just wont go against this. A girls gotta have something she stands by afterall. Just not my thing, sorry. Theres plenty of girls out there who's thing it is..and they like me, exclusively do black men...they never get stick though do they? No. As soon as its me I am accused of being racist which is crazy as half my family is black or half black and look at how mixed I am, 3 quarter cast for gods sake!!!!

So my question is this....should I go along tomorrow night anyway and see how it goes and if I dont like it just leave? or should I give it a miss in case I get into something I'm not sure or happy about, in case it gets outa hand?

my handle on collar me is tearsandlust for anyone whos interested.

argh, cant find anyone to play with this weekend!

I was thinking today, if I so desired I could probably just take off and lead a full on 24/7 lifestyle as really theres not that much keeping me where I am. I dont have anything other than family here to hold me. But I just dont think its really a serious option for me, as much as I would love a total life change, I'm not sure I could really do the 24/7 thing, although I would love to live somewhere new and have a relationship. But I would worry about moving elsewhere with someone I hardly knew, so I would never just go after only a few mails, ever. And how do I know its not for me unless I try it? I reckon if I met the right person and all went well eventually I would move. The UK has never really been that kind to me afterall, a new life would be an advantage in the long run and a new beginning where I could be who I wanted to be without fear of anyone close to me finding out. I think its just quite a scary concept and over the years what with the sort of mails I received from Doms saying they wanted me to come over to a place I've never been to before the other side of the world, and live with them for life and be treated like some kind of tortured victim prisoner of war, and not only that but after only one mail its no wonder its scared me to death.

I never entertained the idea of relocation before but looking at my life and as I say, seeing that really I have little to hold me to this country I have to wonder if maybe I should consider it? But, only after a long correspondence, visits both ways (with my fares being paid of course)...initially with the guy coming here to be safe and sure that he is indeed who he says he is and knowing that it feels right would I ever entertain the idea seriously and not as a slave either, only a sub. God knows I'd have to be so into the Dom, in love with him, to do something so drastic.

Just thoughts of course, doesnt mean I will do this or anything. But I dont have anything in this country other than what I have mentioned to stay here for. I would love a new and exciting life.

Aside from all that, I am very frustrated at the moment with everything. The fact that I only have a few weeks left to play and yet cant find one single bloody person to play with. The fact that the people I do want to see arent getting back to me on anything when I am free right now and soon wont be. The fact that everyone who contacts me is wrong for me...why is that? The fact that my ex is doing my head right in and I feel quite angry over that and sick of his selective memory syndrome. And the fact that I feel my faith is completely slipping into a murky bog right now, faith in just about everything actually. So things arent going too well at present and so the prospect of maybe starting over from scratch and reinventing myself seems more and more attractive to me, who knows what will happen in the future?

Just wondering how many single women out there are seeing attached or married men to be their subs occassionally? Like meeting once or twice a year but staying in contact? How do you feel about this? Do you really like the Dom youre playing with more than you should or are you cool with it? How does it work for you knowing you'll never be the one for your Dom? and even knowing each time might be the last time? Do you feel you'll never find a Dom as good? Does it make you feel lonely and used or glad of the uncomplicated fun? Do you ever wish it didnt have to all be a big secret and you could just have more, whenever you wanted it?

And for the men who are the ones doing the cheating with these occassional subs and have vanilla partners...how do you feel about it? How can you handle being vanilla with one partner and never being able to reveal your other side and then unleashing it all with your sub? How much does guilt play a role or do you just accept it all? Do you find yourself thinking about what youve gotten up to with your sub and wanting more but having to hold yourself back for your relationships sake? What do you really think about your sub v's your partner? (or do I really wanna know the answer to that?).

Just conducting a bit of research here as I find it interesting and have some experience of this situation and want to know how both sides are feeling from others perspectives.

Please mail me if you want as I dont have a reply function on my blog.

I've given up on the therapist idea. I know what I want, what I've always wanted, I just went off the path for a second is all. My mind feels far clearer now, I had a thick fog clouding my way confusing me before.

I've not seen my ex for a week or so and havent spoken either although he's sent the odd text. I need to be on my own right now. It seems to have helped alot, my moods improved and the more I think into it all the more it feels right to stick to my path and find my partner and Dom, not sell out into a vanilla relationship which will never satisfy me in the long term and hurt me in the process. Over the next few months I will be tested once and tested again and again. It will be a struggle as I accept his help and support to get me through this damned recovery I'll have to endure. But I cant give in and give up and commit to something which I dont believe in. It seems to be a very destructive relationship and theres more ups and downs than your average rollercoaster, too many for me to cope with. I like things not to get stale, but honestly, this is ridiculous, I'll end up having a nervous breakdown!

I'm thinking of starting my own free blog site elsewhere, will work on it. I've still to see the German Dom, it had better be next week I hope. Things keep being put on hold and right now its just pissing me right off as I have loads of time now, but only now and for one month only. In 7 months time things may be very different. I might change my mind about alot of things, about who I want to play with, who I want to confide in and be with, etc. So my advice to anyone who wants to meet me is this...providing I am up for it and actually want to meet you (lol), meet me now, its now or never. I'm sick of hanging around waiting for just about everything to occur. Its not just people letting me down over and over again its me being ill and whatever too, events seem to be conspiring against me in all sorts of ways. Nothings been plain sailing now for a very long time. Maybe theres some sort of retrograde movement in my sign or some rubbish? LOL

And I've still to write my filthy account of events from two weeks back, so slack with that arent I? In fact I know I havent been writing as much either lately. Sorry, I will get it done hopefully over the next week or so.

I know I havent yet posted my account of the session I had over a week ago now. I will do so in due course when I have actually written it up.

My bruises have now gone worse luck. I need more now. That will have to wait another week. I am on my period, it was two days late, in agony today with it. Feeling a bit sick. And off away at the weekend for a few days getting a change of scenery and catching up with an old friend. I wonder what she will make of things with me currently?

Had a falling out with vanilla ex this morning and it prompted me to write a long email of how I felt, I was angry and upset and I felt I needed to say a few things but couldnt at the time as it was so late (5.30am) it just wasnt the time for it. I couldnt bring myself to mention my bdsm worries. Theres more than enough to be getting along with without that too. But I asked myself, is any of this worth it at all? My answer was no!

I've been looking for a therapist I can have a few sessions with before my operation to help sort my head out, one whos SM aware and has specialised in this. So far I have three possibles but I'll have to try and get the cash together is all, it will be worth it if it relieves the way I am feeling of late about my identity and what I need or dont need in my life and this vanilla/kink struggle. I dont think I can bear months and months of worrying about things whilst recovering. I need some peace of mind, even if its just to clarify a few things and work through some issues constructively with a psychologist. I just hope it helps. I think just being able to talk about it all openly will be a relief. Its all very well talking online but its not the same, its so faceless. I'll probably feel a bit embarrassed at first but then I guess these therapists hear all kinds of stuff so I probably shouldnt be at all. I always end up with male therapists too for some reason? Well who knows which one I will decide on? I dont have much time to mess about picking one though. Its amazing the lack of therapists there are out there for this kind of thing. I would of thought there would be a good few in this day and age, apparently not though. I think thats really sad, we must live in a really backward world.

Today I have a real need to be put into bondage (rope) and flogged hard until I cry with a big hefty heavy flogger, at least 72 falls on it (wish I could afford one). I want to be whipped on my back and winded with every blow until the tears are streaming from my eyes. And have my tits roped up tight and whipped, slapped, sucked, bitten and squeezed, clamps put on my nipples, perhaps weights, maybe needles in my areola's, perhaps be gagged. I dont need the sex, just the punishment today, the pain. I need to feel that release and I just think I need to be punished for being a silly fat slut and have my marks and bruises left to make me remember my lesson. I would go over to my Master with the flogger and rope in hand and beg him to beat me...if I had a Master that is.

The other day I was watching an old Hammer horror and they used a Scarificator for blood letting, it really turned me on, the scars, the blood. I've been looking up about it lately but of course you cant get hold of those things anymore as they went out with the dark ages. On ebay you can find ancient ones which look a bit dodgy, okay for collectors but not for actual use, but something about the rows of scars and the blood really turned me on. Anyway, thats my thought for the day, lol. And I will have to forget about a beating today as theres no one to give me one unfortunately! At least I had what I wanted last weekend I guess.

yes, I know I've been quieter than usual lately, I am okay now, it wasnt flu but it wasnt great either...anyway, nothing to do with my silence. Having some issues to deal with right now and trying to work it all out in my head. I might have come to some conclusions? not sure as yet. I've been trying to decide if I could ever really be happy within a vanilla relationship, I've really been battling with it. I was set on giving it a go again with someone until today, somethings changed once again and I just thought, I must be mad, what am I thinking? None of my choices are easy, but forcing myself to behave as a straight good girl forever would kill me. I cant do it, its not who I am. Saying that, possibly in 4 months things will be different, but I will never be able to change to being vanilla and I dont want to, I just cant.

I've not really had anyone to talk to about this problem and its been eating me up inside as its heartbreaking but how can I pretend to be someone I'm not and never will be? Obviously my sub side is only one part of me, not the whole and I need other things from a relationship than bdsm and sex, but basically putting a sealed lid on my sub side which can never again be opened is too much for me to cope with. So right now I just dont see a vanilla relationship as being a true option for me. I havent really had a chance to try out a bdsm relationship properly as yet either...and I dont mean one thats constant use with no sleep, 24/7 but a balanced one. It would be nice to experience that and then make up my mind, although, I already know what I want and always have done. I need the kink involved, it has to be that way. I dont want to keep secrets and hide away the most vulnerable side of who I am and my most raw elements. I wanted to develop them further and be encouraged to do so within a safe environment with a trusted and much loved partner and with the same partner one day get married and have children, the same as most people do. There must be someone out there who's right for me surely? If I get myself involved again with a vanilla partner I'll never know will I? I need a kinky counsellor cos this is really torturing my mind right now.

Something has prompted me to write this blog tonight. Basically there are lots of pics of me on here, most people know that, okay they arent new...but my profile pic is current, as was the last profile pic of me as a maid. No doubt I'll have another new one after the weekend too. (I dont post my pics in the gallery on here anymore as I got fed up with people generally).

But I do object to people randomly messaging me proposing things to me knowing alot about me and what I look like but not having anything on their profile about themselves or even a basic pic...and then asking me for more of my own pics first before they think of sending only one to me! This isnt on at all and I lose interest instantly as it gets my back up. I have been duped into that many a time only to find it was pic collectors messing about, and I have also sent many pics to people and when they finally got around to sending just one of their own it is usually so blurred or tiny I couldnt see anything at all, or a profile shot which is just as hard to make out, or..as is usually the case, I havent fancied the person at all. So all my many pics that I sent were a waste of time and I felt pissed off that they had them in the end. I'm not going down that road again!!! I just refuse to be taken in that way again.

Please take note...anyone who seriously wants to meet me for fun or in regards to seriously collaring me...you must have a face pic...if youre funny about sending me it then you can move on swiftly as I am not interested in ANY messing around full stop. You must let me know some basics about you...age, race, location, if you are Dom or not, if you have a sub already, experience, what you want from a sub initially and in the future, etc....you should know what I would need to know already. I shouldnt really have to prise it from you! If you dont know how to go about contacting me then maybe its best you leave it altogether as clearly we wouldnt be suited. I am coming down hard on any stupidity or time wasting. I simply dont have time for it right now and it turns me right off. 99% of any mails I get whether it be on this site or elsewhere turn out to be from people I either have no interest in, fakes, guys in the wrong role or wrong area...now and then that 1% appears out of the blue whether it be a nice mail from someone being supportive or a Dom I actually feel attraction to who I can resonate with...but its rare...this is why I moan now...99% is a high number and a total drag to deal with day to day, I am tired of it. This is why I have no patience for more of it. There is a right way and a wrong way of going about things and a right way and a wrong way to get a meet with me. Most blow it, but the ones that dont seem to enjoy themselves and want much more. If you really want me then please dont take the piss..its not hard to do really.

I hope that gets some things straight!!!