You know, I really HATE hairy cunts. I would hate to lick one, all that hair just really turns me off and gets in the way and I think it looks far prettier without. Or, failing that, just a nice neat shortly cut strip or triangle of hair above the cunt, but not actually in the way, thats fine. I remember having a partner who hated me shaving and so I had to leave it but keep it neat, I found it was more trouble than actually shaving it all off and as soon as we split I shaved it all straight off and felt more like my old slutty self again, phew! For me being shaved actually affects the way I behave I think.

Over the weekend I've been making myself cum, absolutely soaking my knickers and wanting some abuse planned for next week. I've had some really dirty fantasies I'd like to act out but only really under a Masters command so he could watch me being degraded. I wonder what the oldest age of a man is that a woman has fucked whilst herself being in her twenties or thirties? I'd be interested to know.

Oh god, I am so horny now. The guy I slept with the other night said he hasnt stopped thinking about my oral skills since we met and that I'm very talented in that department, lol. He wanted more tonight but I have come on my period and actually in a way, I want him to wait too. But I am so damn up for it, but it would be a damn shame not to be able to get another taste of his g-spot stimulation. Next time though, I am making sure I am sober and wide awake and tell him to be much rougher with me. I'm sure I can see just how kinky he can be with a little prompting, especially if I give him more deepthroat and cock attention. That is one cock worthy of very, very extensive oral and it helps that hes gorgeous too!

But these are the times I would like something regular, then I could simply pop round to my Doms house, suck him for ages, get told what a nasty little whore I was, have my tits abused, get fucked in the ass and go home again.

I'm so tired and spaced out today, hence my last blog not being that well written and probably this will be much the same.

I got in around 10.30am after a naughty night out. I went out looking for action but I didnt think I'd find out until right at the end of the night when a guy came and sat down beside me asking if he could pinch a cigarette. Well, the bloke was fit and of course I wasnt going to refuse. He started talking to me friend and I and I soon found he was very cheeky. Then he got into a fight, it wasnt his fault though, it was the other guy but I did see it coming. Anyway, both myself and my friend went over to him to see if he was okay afterwards and started cuddling him. He was flirting with us both quite openly, it was kinda funny. My friends a very good girl with very strict parents and she had to be back at a set time so I asked if we could come with him and a couple he was with as they were driving back to his. We dropped my friend off first but not before he snogged the hell out of her! I was laughing and his friends were calling him a pimp as there he was in the back seat arms around both of us, first kissing her and then when she had gone, me. I am old enough and open minded enough not to take offence by his obvious cheeky actions and went back with him knowing full well I'd end up sleeping with him regardless. But I found myself unusually restrained. I also found myself slapping his face for fun, which he liked.

After we got back to his, his friends were messing around and I swear there was alot of pent up sexual tension going on between him and his friends girl. I could see it clearly anyway. As they knew one another they were all friendly and I was the one that felt a little shy and went quiet. I noted though that this guy is a secret Dom. The girl of his friends a feisty sub. If anyone wanted anything, she got up and fetched it, he remarked at this trait and how good she was and said it was how it should be. I was too tired to say anything and point out my observations as I didnt know if theyd understand the whole Dom/sub thing or not having only just met them.

His friends went out for a bit and in this time whereas I would normally have played in the time I was reserved. It was very unlike me. I wondered if I should go home? But I knew that he wanted me to stay. I didnt feel it was right to just announce I was going. It got late and he asked his friends if they could leave. He wanted to get his way with me but didnt want to be rude to them. It was nearly dawn when they went....more to follow, have to go for now...interrupted. 

Well of course I have something to say on my thread started by 'quiet'. Its in response to oz, lol, I find that attitude utterly ridiculous! I am not a slave, but a sub and I know exactly what works and doesnt work for me in a realistic sense and actually finding a guy attractive and wanting to be with him is a BIG factor. All this rubbish about getting any old Master and settling for him, just cos 'He' happens to want to own me is craziness. Nothing can work long term without attraction, at least not for me. And I am very realistic about this fact.

What slaves do and what treatment they take isnt anything to do with me as I have never said I was a slave. And if they settle for the first Master who wants them knowing they feel utterly repulsed by him then thats up to them. But it doesnt work that way for 'me'. I have my own right to do what I know will work for me. If it doesnt work for someone else, that has nothing to do with me.

I actually have quite a realistic approach when it comes down to it and want something to last, and only by being true to myself will it do so. I've tried and tested being someones play thing cos they wanted me, and not the other way around. It works on a one off basis only, not a long term one and sure didnt succeed for me trying to make it work long term. End of story.

Anyway, I'm bored of this subject now. I have more exciting stuff to write...in next blog!

Thanks once again for your mails and views on the latest happening.

I just wanted to respond to one persons idea that I widen my horizons a bit. I know what youre saying but in order for anything to work I need to fancy a person, be local enough to play with them, have a realtime thing and not purely online and things like that. I have been with many older Doms before, as in late forties, also been with ones I didnt actually find attractive purely for the experience and to see if I could and would change my mind and develop an attraction. This never happened, it was disasterous. Online only has never worked for me and I have always been a woman of action, loving the feeling of being centre of attention. And I find if a persons not too local it is a real problem and means difficulty in getting to them for me. I usually have to lug about a heavy bag full of outfits and boots, etc and with my back this is just not viable each time I want to see someone, not to mention the expense of it when I just don't have the money. So I feel I have narrowed my search to make sure I find what it is I'm ultimately looking for. And I cant help what I find attractive, we all find someone more attractive than another, its the way it is. Its just a shame that clearly it doesnt seem to exist or only exists in a limited context...ie...marrieds and vanilla's on a part time basis only who actually just want a bit of sexy fun.

People keep saying, well, I'm sure theres someone out there for you. Hmm, I really don't know? I was watching something last night on tv and the woman on there was just like me. She liked dark haired, tall dominant men as she wanted to feel protected but when they asked her if she ever did with these men, her answer was 'no'. I feel the same. I never have felt protected, only undervalued and used, rarely does any care come into it and there is a difference between feeling worthless and actually feeling like the person in control really doesnt give a toss. I dont think this is right. When I read some peoples blogs on here it does seem there are some caring but strict Doms about though. But I obviously havent really met many myself. I wonder where theyre all hiding? I'm wondering whether I shouldnt be looking for dominant men at all now, its all a bit confusing really.

Thanks again for the support on here and your mails, much appreciated.

Obviously I'm still very pissed off about all thats happened and it would sure have saved alot of high hopes for the future had I not been subjected to yet another wannabe. But still, better to find out now than later on down the line when I had become adapted to the rules he set me, that would really, really of got my goat. And I have been in this situation in the past and it was alot longer and more annoying then to realise it was all bullshit. But, I wonder why these pathetic young fantasists do it to start with? If all they want is to abuse a girl for a night, have a few controlling conversations and dream on about all they plan to do (which never materialises) surely it would be better to just be honest and say they want a night or two of being dominating with a sub? Instead of wasting time with lies and deception. I dunno? As they say up norf...'theres some strange folk abroad!' But please, next time, leave me outa it, its hard enough to find a Master I actually fancy without finding a false prophet!

Well, here we go again.....another timewaster!

I seem to attract them, and I'm coming up against men who think I am either too experienced so therefor already too corrupted or are actually scared in case I am too expert and theyre not skilled enough!!! This is new to me. They all seem to be full of talk and absolutely NO action!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont want that at all, I want something to actually happen for once, whats wrong with these men?

So, I think its now fair to say that I am once again single and 'unowned'. The reason I am unowned is because my so called owner wasnt for real and when it actually came down to the task of training me last night, he didnt step up to it. He bottled out and failed to contact me to organise anything at all, and isnt bothering to correspond at all either. I stuck to his rules and was very good, turning any man that was interested away, refraining from any sexual contact with anyone. Changing things for him, etc, as I thought I should considering he was my new owner. All for nothing though. I dont think thats very fair at all and really cant understand the point of it all in the first place??? Why waste my time and his own? And to add insult to injury, after lying to me that he could accommodate, he actually couldnt really, only now and then when mum was out....pathetic....so how then is it possible to train any sub I wonder? These young guys are dreamers!!!

So, once again, I am free and single and looking, looking for someone who is genuine and capable of taming me and not scared off because I am not a newbie sub, pathetic!!!

I am allowed to talk to Doms and their subs on here but cannot meet unless its a paid session.

My owner gave me the rules I must abide by and I have to say its a bit of a shock to the system. I now want to talk to any slaves or subs that are owned, whether it be newly owned or owned for at least a year. I'm hoping to discuss the emotional side of how it felt initially and the adjustment period before learning their owners ways and how they got on when settled. So please feel free to contact me via the messaging system.

Thank you to all who've wished me well with my new 'owned' status.

I have consulted my owner in regards to if I can correspond on here and am awaiting his decision, his rules and my new name. Then I will let people know one way or the other.

Ooh, I'm sooo excited!!!

Well, I can announce I am now officially owned!

I will write more on this later, got to get some sleep. Just had to shower and put my piss covered clothes in the wash!

I havent really taken it all on board yet, I guess it will become more of a reality when my training starts. Tonight was just to see how we got on and it was apparent we both fancied each other, I even got shy and embarrassed on a few occasions. This happens now and then but not that often.

And now to bed with a sore abused throat!!!

Another ending for me this week, Friday the 13th strikes once again as my teacher has graduated me. I am sad but feel its the right time for a change especially as my ex and I are finally over. Its a week of ending and also of new beginnings and I cant help but feel some relief aswell as having a few tears in my eyes. The next chapter is upon me and it could be promising.

I am now totally free to give myself to someone new and I might have found him, only time will tell. Tomorrow is the first meeting although not the first week of chats I've had with him. I seem to now be open to anything, surprising that my mind has altered or shifted now. He said I dont seem to have any limits. Although undoubtedly I do and pointed those out, that all seemed fine to him as obviously those off limits activities are also his own. So I am willing to be owned now properly, it seems natural and like the next step, not something I'm fighting anymore or scared off. But, then I will see how I feel when the reality of it sinks in, these are just words and thoughts afterall and one can change ones mind overnight. To meet is the deciding factor and to see how future meetings progress, only then can anything be made real and binding. It will require sacrifices on my part I know, but I do feel if the right partner is found those sacrifices shouldnt be too difficult. And of course it would be nice to finally say on here...I am now owned!!!

I'm nervous and excited but always mindful that I shouldnt get my hopes up too much in case this is another false start. Although in my cards its predicted that my future holds enslavement and corruption, lol. Yes, tarot cards, I do them now and then, certainly not a slave to them but interesting that the devil card has shown its face. It shows that I have a choice and can break free of the chains or entrap myself within them, its about willing submission or unwilling submission. And it gives a warning also to be careful with getting involved with bad people or sticking with bad influences from the past, and its regarding a hot sexual relationship too. I'm not scared though, this card doesnt always mean scary things are afoot, and whilst it might scare vanillas its not something I myself have got the wind over, afterall, I'm not on this site for nothing, the sub in me is here to stay even if its not trained to full submission. I have a feeling though that this guy could train me well to those standards though, if all goes well, I feel I could submit to him fully and thats the difference. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity. If it goes well then who knows? if it doesnt I have lost nothing and will still be happy alone. Unlike some who might be very insecure or believe they cant be on their own as its horrible and lonely, I dont rely on another to make me happy, I learnt my lesson years ago, so being alone doesnt scare me or sadden me either. So I have nothing to lose, only something to gain now. Tick, tock, only another 24hrs or so now...

I seem to be engaged in an immature mail war with the sad old man who found it so necessary to send me a shit message on here. But for me its just funny as all his words are ridiculous and the funniest thing of all was saying I had no intelligence when he couldnt even spell the word correctly!!! LOL. I had to laugh. There are some strange people out in cyberspace arent there? Its best to entertain them or ignore them, if you like the comedy of entertaining their bullshit then guaranteed you will get some laughs out of it just to see what they'll come up with next. Even funnier when someone is trying to stain your personality when its blatantly all just fabrication and one person in a trillions view. I think there are some people that like to dish it out but cant take it. I myself just don't like confrontation for a million different reasons which probably stems from childhood, blah, blah, blah...but at the same time I will not shy away from it if it is provoked. But gone are the days when I get upset by rubbish people choose to say about me.

Right now I am going through a bit of an emotional time with my ex and guess I am angry and just plain fed up with it all more than being upset and distraught. I have thankfully maintained a distance having made my own mind up some months ago that I could do alot better and I was obviously right. Still it baffles the mind to think that someone can change so much and not for the better. We all have our darksides and our secret sides and I know mine is very dark but I can still pride myself on being a caring, sweet person with some morals at the end of the day. My morals when enjoying anything sexual may go out the window but in a day to day setting they are very much intact and some things will always be off limits. So its sad to find that someone I once loved and cared for above anyone else in this world has become a person I wouldnt want to know anymore after seven and a half years of being so prominent in my life.

But its good to move on and start completely afresh with none of the old resentments and issues hanging stale in the air and the guilt can be set free also. I think really, this is a perfect get out clause for me to walk away and not feel as if I could of done better or tried harder when I've known all along I have done more than my best and theres nothing else left within me to give to him. So looking forward to a complete end to a very long upsetting and often painful saga!

Revelations for me today...nasty ones! But again, this is concerned with leading a double life, although this time, not my own.

Over the past few days since I got a text from my ex I've been thinking about him trying to decide whether to answer it and what to say and if I even want him back in my life after he let me down once again on my birthday. At my most vulnerable moments I have thought about answering that text but something stopped me, I considered the fact that he has never apologised and how much it hurt me and that the reality is that I no longer really know him or even like him when all's said and done. He's one the most selfish men I know and clearly isnt concerned about pulling my heartstrings when it suits him or when things are going wrong in his life and then just treating me like dirt.

Then today a mutual friend told me something that left me feeling sick. But....it was something which left me feeling vindicated about the kind of man I had suspected he'd become over the years. For a while now he'd been having an affair with his best, closest and longest running friends wife!!! Someone he saw every week. I had often accused him of being the kind of person who would do that to a friend and was met with angry defence, well, it seems I had clocked his true colours and he didnt want to admit it. I knew he could never be trusted and I was dead right. Looking back on it I recall the times he went over there to teach his friend guitar and stayed very, very late always letting me down and more recently even invited me out with the couple....what a farce!!! I also found out he's seeing someone else, probably the ex he had most recently who he told me he broke up with before we started to resume contact again. Now a text has come in in response to my own, the front of the guy, he has the cheek to give me a load of shit and tell me I clearly dont understand what hes been going through and clearly theres no hope for us then. So I have thrown it back in his face and revealed that I KNOW whats been going on which proves alot to me. Lets see what he makes of that then. I bet its got him panicked. He thinks he can keep me in the dark and come crawling back to me and I'll soothe his wounds and make it all better and understand his problems, but why the hell should I be his healer and fool to use when everyone else now also hates him? He does this everytime to me and its not fair, its selfish and thoughtless and he doesnt really love me, let alone miss me as he claims. If someone is capable of doing that to a friend then why would I want to associate myself with them? I may do alot of things, but I would NEVER do that. Dont shit on your own doorstep and NEVER betray a friend. They are more precious than most partners who will come and go throughout your life. I am disgusted by what he's become. I might be a dirty tramp but there are some standards even I wouldnt lower myself too, and thats one of them. Sex is one thing but friendship, trust and loyalty are quite another. It just goes to show though, everything I thought about him in the past was spot on, and all the times he told me I was imagining things, paranoid or had a problem when there was anything concerning him and other women proved to me just as I thought, I never once doubted my own mind though. How can you deny the truth thats staring you in the face? You cant. What a cunt!!!

I was thinking today about this double life I lead and how strange it is really. Talking to a new friend she mentioned a girl she had once known who she said used to dress like a slag and was too easy and used to crave attention she thought but must of been very insecure. Her mother was a high class hooker apparently. It was said in a tone of disgust and I thanked my lucky stars that I didnt tell her about myself and what I do. I dont think that people who look upon easy women and whores as something nasty will ever understand that actually its fun for some people and not a terrible thing. That being easy doesnt actually make you a bad person, it just means you love sex and whats wrong with that? It doesnt have to mean youre insecure and unhappy just because you happen to appreciate the attention of a man or men and like to dress slutty to lure them in. I think thats the main problem with people who arent predisposed to being open minded and cant see that being a slut isnt a bad thing at all.

What made me inwardly laugh was her advice on how to get a man by not rushing into anything and holding off the sex and not dressing up flash too soon but being more yourself and not making a huge effort until a little later or else he'd have seen it all on the first date and there was nothing else to work up to. I can see her point there, thats all very well 'if' youre looking for a proper relationship within the vanilla world, but I'm not. I'm the last person to hold off on the sex and not bother to dress up. I want the sex full stop. LOL. She had no idea of who she was sat next to really and will never be told by me now. Some things are best kept to yourself. But it was a shame as I thought shes been through so much herself that maybe she would accept it, I cant see that happening at all now. So my lips are sealed.

Then over the past two days I've felt guilt at myself and thought about what my family would think and how disappointed they'd be if they ever found out about my double life. I started to feel terrible about myself until I told myself that I was only thinking about this cos I still lived under the same roof as them, if I didnt I wouldnt have even thought for a second about it and would be far more active. And I am old enough to do what I like, even if its not what the average person considers 'acceptable'. It is my decision and its not like I'm hating it either. But still, theres no way anyone would accept it and being honest, if I had a child theres no way I would want her doing what I'm doing, I'd be as worried as hell for starters.

Then I have an ex to contend with. Funny how much people miss you when they dont have you isnt it? I feel very much like saying, 'well you made your bed, now lay in it!'. But I havent. If I told him what I was doing he'd certainly not want to see me again.

Today after I returned from seeing my new friend I had to walk through the woods to get home again and I was desperate for a wee. I went the wrong way home and ended up walking the long route and decided to stop and piss but only had one sheet of tissue paper on me. It wasnt enough to soak up all the piss so it went over my hands, splashed down my thighs and onto my feet. I thought oh shit, but then got a bit turned on and couldnt help but to touch my clit and play for a while. I couldnt stay long though as it was getting dark and so I had to head off home. But it would of been really easy to fuck at that time in those woods, if you can bear being bitten that is. The weather was fine today and perfect for fucking outside. But I cant, I have to lay off for a bit, something to look forward to though I think. But I though to myself, god youre a disgusting bitch, and people have no idea do they?

I wonder how many others have double lives that they keep from their families and friends? It must be a hell of a high number, I reckon most people are up to some dark activity that people who think they really know them have no idea about and would never believe at that!

Oh god, I've hurt my back from throwing tennis balls that were in the road back into the court...doing my good samaritan bit was a mistake, clearly, I should of been a selfish bitch and just walked on by instead. The fence was so high and when I gave it a good overarm throw I felt my back pull and a pain shoot down my buttocks...can still feel it now, and that was yesterday, ouch!

I've got an account of my busy Friday to write up, but will do that in a bit.

that when time is free no one wants to play and when time is short everyone is interested in the same weekend?

I have too many options this weekend and not enough time. I wonder if I can realistically meet a guy tomorrow evening for anal, then Friday meet a Dom in the afternoon, then afterwards make my way to Guildford for an extremely perverted fist and piss session with a Masters slut perhaps staying overnight and then the next day go off and have a 4some with 2 Doms and another female sub plus a k9 and then be back at 6pm in time to be a good little girl and babysit??? I really doubt it. But what a wild horny few days they would be if I could manage it!!!

My gangbangs on hold as I decided it was too soon and I havent even met the guy who will let me use his place yet. Personally I want to make sure he's reliable first before I commit to anything, it was him who wanted to rush it all but so far hasnt been able to pin down a date to meet. I hate waiting for and relying on people especially where business is concerned, I just havent the time to mess around putting ads up if things arent solid as it messes me around, and anyone else who may show interest. These guys dont seem to understand that though, its infuriating. So its been postponed and I am trying to get more interested in the process, no point doing it otherwise. Worst comes to worst, I will have to get a hotel room and do it there. And yet, theres so many other activities vying for my attention right now, unfortunately not paid though, but still extremely tempting in regard to new experiences. I do tire of the same old things time after time so the new will always be a lure. But what I would really like is a bbw partner who I fancied to work with, where the hell are these girls in London anyway? They cant all have partners already, be totally straight laced and vanilla or be so repulsive to me that I dont wanna meet them let alone fuck them. And yet, I look on profiles and see alot with stunning slimmer girlfriends...where do they find them from??? Someone please tell me cos this girls missing out!