I've started back at the gym, and Weight Watchers and am doing Paul Mckennas book and hypnotic mind reprogramming cd. I had to buy myself a new ipod and headphones which I'm waiting to arrive, cos I cant exercise without music, am totally skint now. Back to the gym tomorrow. My aim is to lose 3 stone in the next 10 months, and a fair chunk of it by xmas if I'm lucky. I have to be positive about it as I have done it before so should be able to do it again.

Had some positive mails from a couple of Doms on alt who want to take it slowly with me too, one might be suitable but at this stage I really wouldnt know. I am not interested in rushing into anything anymore, not if I seriously want to find someone I can trust but I might meet people for a bit of non commital fun if I feel the urge in between. Right now though I'm not actually too bothered about meeting anyone, I've sort of gone off the boil after recent events. And I guess I'm really looking for something far deeper than just being abused in a hotel room or bedroom, that just wont cut it now and seems far too empty and cold.

Ho hum...I could really do without being hassled by family today for not going to a gathering. I thought taking advantage of having some time alone was more important as I never get the house to myself and need some quiet me time. Of course they have no idea of the last week and coming on my period today is making me ache and feel sick and depressed, like I need that too. So I've been sitting down making jewellery and watching rubbish tv in between. But I know I'll be getting an interrogation when they get back, sigh! I should of gone out to avoid it but I dont feel like it.

I saw my dom ex a couple of days ago and that was nice. We played and it was a mix of gentle at first and then rough with some pain and punishment and cuddles at the end and kisses throughout and of course protected. He knows what happened to me recently too. I really needed a bit of care and so it was nice to spend the day out at the zoo and then have dinner and a drink later and look around Camden Market, and spend the night together in complete trust. Just what it should be like really. The main problem I usually find is that Doms and Masters only ever focus on the sex and the pain/bondage, never the care the should take with a sub which is important in itself. Its not just about being used, for a slave this might be different but for a sub I feel it should be about more than that and so this put things into perspective for me. This is what I want, this is what I have always wanted but its thin on the ground out there as people use subs to their advantage and thats all. But I wouldnt want my ex back and besides, he's taken, but...it was just nice and made a lovely change which I needed.

I feel so much better today. I always knew I was a strong person but I know for sure I am very resilient now. Going to the clinic was a relief. I know I have to wait for most of the results and go back a few more times for re-tests but the first two were clean and I hope the others will follow suit. I think it'll be fine. I told them I was raped, but I couldnt really explain in detail. I saw a sexual health counsellor but didnt want to discuss it as the female one wasnt in and it was a man, as soon as I got in and sat down I said, I cant. But he did give me some advice and was nice, everyone was. I called up a rape centre to make an appointment but it scared me so much talking to the woman on the other end of the line that I cancelled it today. The amount of questions were too intrusive and all the talk of forensics and police just frightened me. I said I didnt want that. I found it all very intimidating and daunting, I dont think its the way to go, not for me, I think for me it would make things ten times worse.

As I said, I am feeling more myself again now, although not sleeping properly, but then I never did really. It was a real shock in the first few days and affected me greatly but I have to look at it like this. I wasnt fearful of losing my life, I wasnt severly brutalised either. Undoubtedly it was a horrible experience but I have gone through far worse in my life and come out smiling, and I can do the same now. I dont feel I am justified to have counselling, not when theres women out there who really need it and have gone through truly horrific encounters. If I had the offer of counselling with a lifestyle shrink that would be different, I would have it for sure but these vanillas are not for me. I cant talk to them, they would judge me and not understand and I would have to with-hold important info and lie, whats the point of that? Its counter-productive and stressful for me also. I'll talk to two friends and that will be okay for me now. More than anything I just need understanding, not judgement or problems explaining what happened because I am worried about what the other person might think. Friends that I've picked to talk about it with wont do that, and thats exactly what is needed.

So I'm not confident I'll be okay and this period will pass soon anyway. I wont let it haunt me forever, I want to move on from it in a positive way and not dwell and let it depress me. If I have any bad news from the clinic then I can deal with it when it happens and then figure out my next move but in the meantime I am keeping me chin up and still smiling.

Quite as few of you have suggested I go get some counselling for whats happened. The problem is because of how it happened and my non vanilla lifestyle, activities and views I dont feel I can. Any counsellor will be a straight vanilla type and at this point I do not need to be judged, especially by someone who has no experience in anything remotely kinky, let alone a D/s relationship. I'm going to the clinic soon and worried about what to tell them, they might offer me counselling but I remember once going before and confessing a few of my antics when quizzed as to why I was there and being met with looks of disapproval when offered counselling. This is precisely what I dont want or need. I'm not sure which rape counselling service to contact and even if I do go what I say will be limited to the actual act itself, I wont want to go into the scenario surrounding it. Again, I wish I could find and afford a lifestyle counsellor as I just dont feel comfortable talking about this with anyone else, its bad enough as it is but to have to go into specifics is actually alot worse in my mind. It just makes it all the harder.

I didnt get much sleep last night, had nightmares where I had to leave the light on as I was scared something was in my room. I have obviously had nightmares alot before but never had to actually leave the light on, and even that didnt seem to work. I guess its the minds way of dealing with it all, trying to cleanse the system or make me do something about it.

This sounds really silly but I am dreading the clinic, not because of the tests and the waiting around, but because of the questions, because I dont know yet what I'll say.

I'm having weird emotions, one minute I feel okay and like it doesnt matter and I can cope, and the next I'm all over the place and feel really upset and out of control. I dont know what to feel really? Its all a bit surreal. Theres so many conflicting emotions taking hold that sometimes I just have to lay down and try and calm down to stop it or reduce the stress. I couldnt see or talk to my female friend today, just couldnt face it. Even the prospect of having to get to the chemist and go print something out at the library made me have panic attacks. I had to literally force myself out the door and on the bus. And when I put a short skirt on and heels I decided it best to take it off and replace it with an ankle length one and flip flops instead. Yesterday I made attempts at avoiding the large group of young guys in the park and felt really self conscious. Tomorrow I'm going to take myself to the std clinic and get that over with, which will take hours of waiting around but needs to be done asap, I will hopefully feel at least better after thats over with, providing the results arent bad of course. I couldnt face going into London to see my friend today, just the thought of it made me feel sick and brought back my old phobic tendencies. The worst part of this is not being able to talk to anyone in the flesh about whats happened and feeling like its all my own fault anyway.

I had an email from my ex Master yesterday, he said he was sad that I was sad, still wasnt sure what exactly had happened, said it wasnt set up and he didnt talk to the guy who raped me beforehand about what to do with me, didnt direct it, and has ceased his 10yr friendship with him completely after what happened to me. This may or may not be true, but I shouldnt think it is. I wouldnt think anyone would do that for a girl theyd only known a few weeks. He said he could understand if I didnt want to see him again. He asked me why I hadnt had called out for him at the time as he would never have let anything bad happen to me...well, because I was scared, afraid of being beaten further and knew he wouldnt hear me anyway, and couldnt get away, thats why. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do to make me feel better, as in, tell the guys fiance, or get him over under false pretences so I could beat him and get my own back. Thats really not my style at all though and I really wouldnt expect the fiance to believe me or want to get into that, I cant believe the guy even has a fiance, poor cow, hes put her at risk aswell as me, how does he know I dont have any dodgy diseases? It makes me sick. I explained in detail to my now ex master as to what happened that night and all the emotions I felt and am feeling now. This is hard for me as he is the only one who was there and the only one who knows what happened, aside from people on here of course, but its not the same as I dont know anyone online really, like really, really know them. I texted him and said I dont know how to cope with it and feel guilty and maybe we should meet to discuss in a public place. I know alot of you will think 'no, dont do it' but I cant talk to anyone else about this and I need to. It might help me a little. Its an idea.

the other thing is how can I be sure it wasnt a set up? He could of arranged it beforehand to make it hard for me, to punish me. I have no idea? I did put this to him at the time but he denied it, but again its a trust issue and now I cant be sure.

Something happened to me last night that I feel sick to even think about. I've written my account but wont post that yet. I need to get this out and see what everyone makes of it.

Basically to cut a long story short Master told me that I shouldnt be nervous, no one was gonna hurt me and he wouldnt let anything happen to me. What actually happened was that I was made to fuck 6 of his friends one after another in a dark room. I was fine until I got to the last 2, number 5 was a bit rough, in terms of his fingernails needing a good trim, but number 6 was the problem. He was a Dom and he wasnt a nice one. He raped me. All the others had worn condoms and thats what was agreed with me and Master. This one refused to use them, said he had spoken with him beforehand and it was okay. I said I didnt believe that and we needed to use them, he wasnt having any of it. I said please dont do it in my cunt, so of course he did. I was scared as he had me pinned down, kept hitting me hard in the face and made me sob uncontrollably. He said he would make me pregnant and kept verbally abusing me. Then he fucked my ass. He made me deepthroat him first before all of this though, he wanted me to puke, and I knew that Master would not of liked that on the bed covers, so already he wasnt showing any respect. I didnt like him from the minute he walked into the room, my gut was spot on. But I was doing as Master had told me so I had to go through with it. At one point I found myself fucking him back but I was crying, I didnt really know what I was doing, I guess maybe I thought if I did this it would aid him to cum sooner and would be over faster? He never came though. He told me when everyone left it would be just the 3 of us and that he and Master would rape the fuck out of me, this made me panic all the more. He left me in a real state, I couldnt stop crying, I was really distraught. I have been treated far worse and beaten harshly before but this made me really freak out, it was the malice attached to it and the fact that I really was alone to deal with it. Master came in and asked me what had happened, I told him. He said he hadnt agreed to it and he wasnt staying over. I didnt have to fuck the remaining 2 guys either. But the thing is...I trusted him and he let me down. I wasnt safe was I? He was in the next room but he couldnt hear me struggle. He said nothing would happen to me, and it did. I felt so scared. I like feeling scared at times, I love rape play too, but this is different and I didnt like the fact that it wasnt Master doing it to me either. I feel really let down. Today he didnt seem bothered about it. I only mentioned that I needed to go buy the morning after pill just to be sure and asked if I had to ever see that bloke again? he said no. He didnt offer to help with either the cost of my taxi fares or with the pill. I dont think this shows any care of a sub at all, it was his friend afterall that made this happen. I feel upset, I actually feel ashamed and guilty. I never feel that, hardly ever anyway. I've been asleep all day and night, depressed and trying not to cry but can feel the tears welling up, its really gotten to me. I was raped last weekend also, again I had to get the pill, it was different though, although I didnt agree to it the whole session was different, well you can see for yourself in my latest pics. I was concerned but not overly, but last night, that was entirely different. This is all about care and trust and its shattered already. I mailed him just now about this, told him how I feel, told him that this wasnt a game in terms of the rape not being planned or okay, but being real and scary and what happened with everyone being cool? maybe this means I'm looking for another Master now? I cant really have one who doesnt care and wont be there to make sure I'm alright can I? I dont feel I can trust him at all now. A sub needs security, to know that if someone does something they shouldnt they will be dealt with or even that they are told sternly enough beforehand that there is no way it will be tolerated. This didnt happen and this is the result, a perfectly good night ruined, for me at least and possibly the ownership down the toilet also. I dont know how I feel at the moment, other than upset. They all had rules with me to use condoms, to not get too interested in me, etc, yet they all tried to get my number and said they wouldnt tell Master. None of these guys was under control, alot worse could of happened.

I'm off to Masters in less than 2 hours to service him and his friends. I am really nervous, so am having a couple of beers first to relax me. I've had a stomach ache all day, had to take peppermint pills and alka seltzer and did an enema, but its really acting up and I dont want to be anything less than ready for tonight. Maybe its nerves? I knew all week I would be really nervous about this, thats why I'll be blindfolded during and not see his friends. I dont want to disappoint him or not be good enough for his friends either, I would hate to let him down.

My nipples are still a bit weird but I have more faith now that they'll recover over the next few weeks, the pinkness has calmed down a little. Thanks to everyone whos offered advice on this.

The other thing is, why is it since I've said I'm owned I'm getting alot of Masters saying they want to own me or talk to me or have a holiday with me? Suddenly everyone wants to know, why is this? Where were you when I was looking?

In the last week I've had some idiot wanting constant contact with me online, he's sent me about 50 messages and been on msn wanting me to discuss asap, etc, boooorrrinng. It was for a booking for tomorrow. Now in my experience as a whore the ones who are fake and looking for titillation are the ones who behave like this. The real Doms and punters know what they want and arrange things quickly. So all along I had my gut reaction of 'this guy is winding me up'. He kept adding more and more to the booking but wanted it all for the same previously quoted price. I said my fees didnt include fucking up to 15 men in a cinema thank you very much, they didnt include an equine speculum either. My Master would flip. How would that leave me? Unable to play for weeks, I dont think so. I'm not made of elastic!!! My Masters very concerned about std's and he doesnt want me escorting and knows soon I'll quit, so he wouldnt be happy with me doing all those men and bringing something nasty back for him and his friends, I would be a disgrace. And I have never had an std in my life and dont wanna start now! Anyway, this bloke when I asked for his number said he couldnt remember it and only used his work phone but obviously couldnt give me that. I said he'd have to give me a number in order for me to take a booking and then I would give him my number, but only then. He changed the hotel when I asked to confirmation, so that alerted me of his timewasting also. My gut was telling me all along he wasnt real. Then as predicted, a message today, sorry, my mother had a heart attack in the night, I have to go to her, I dont know whats going to happen but its not looking likely we can meet. Oh what a surprise. So a weeks worth of messages with him boring me, wasting my time and trying and prompting me for something other than short and to the point messages (I wasnt falling for that) and then the obligitory hospital excuse, like I havent heard that before. Oh dear, these people! Nevermind eh, at least my instincts are spot on these days.

In the meantime, I have to leave in an hour, stomachs still dodgy, oh crap, literally! I cant get out of anal tonight, it will be required, its his favourite. Maybe my next step is immodium! LOL. I dont want any gross accidents. I think its nerves, I feel sick, nervous excitement, heads getting dizzy and I feel a bit panicy...I'll be fine once it starts but beforehand I always get sick feelings when meeting someone I dont know that well.

A strange turn up this morning. I thought I should share it as so many have been kind enough to contact me with advice.

Thank god I made my decision to pick the young Master!

A mail came in for me from the other Master. Because of something rather tragic in his life which happened last night which I wont explain here out of respect, he has been re-evaluating his life and has had to suspend his alter role as Master. So he said goodbye, told me I was a lovely girl but he needed to really look at his life and make changes. What I didnt say was that he told me when we met that he had guilty feelings about his dominant persona. I have had problems with this in the past with other men, finding that they often arent constant due to trying to deal with it, it has never been a good state of affairs as in the end they ultimately decide to stay on the vanilla path and do things conventionally, thus leaving me out in the cold feeling rather cheated and like I've wasted my time.

On the other hand though, my current Master doesnt have those worries which I think is a positive sign of his commitment and true demeanor even though we had that initial blip, which he swears wasnt him blowing me out.

So I am relieved that I made the right decision in the end, as if I hadnt then I would of been sorely disappointed right now after all the stress its put me through taking up my thoughts in recent days, worrying in case I made the wrong move.

Fate obviously moves in mysterious ways and I can now rest easy.

I have nearly made a final decision. Its not what most on here would expect though. But then, when have I ever done what most expect?

I have been given a week to decide what I want with the harsh Master. But I have given it alot of thought today. The thing is, although he is a proper Master he cares nothing about me, doesnt want to know anything about me or my life, really, really doesnt want to know. I dont think thats what makes a good Master. A Master should be interested in his property, should care about her feelings sometimes, should be open to talking about any worries, especially if she is a newbie to ownership.

I find when he contacts me I feel stressed, really stressed and cant complete his tasks with the little time he gives me, its almost like its a set up, designed for me to fail. I need more of a connection than just the scene, I need to be able to talk to my Master and discuss my fears and thoughts with him, he wont allow that. And yet he wants me to get branded straight away. I've known him only 3 days! He expects me to guess what he likes and what he wants but I dont know his fetishes because I dont know him. I cant say anything right because I am clueless, a sub needs something to go on. I'm not a mind reader. Yes it might appear I would have my freedom to go on with my work and see who I like but I will never have any real freedom, I would be on call 24/7, and if he contacts me anyone I was with would be deserted straight away. I would be known as a let down merchant, I dont want that. So how could I really have my life, as he puts it? I couldnt. My family would suss something was going on and I really wouldnt want that either. People would start to ask me about things and find out eventually.

The other guy, whilst we got off to a bad start and his living situation isnt great I can at least talk to. And we do talk alot on msn and he listens. Rather than being ordered to do things I am offering to do them, being very good, very obedient and not scared to go off and get a brand for him if he asks me. When I am with him he controls me, I dont misbehave. And whilst he wants me to quit men and escorting both for him and for my own safety...as do most of my friends for that matter, I would have more freedom as hes not unrealistic about me having a life even though when I'm needed I will come.

Both are very different, both want control and to mold me, but in very different ways.

We (as in the younger one) have been discussing having a bi female sub and a male sub to abuse which I think is a great idea. And he is local to me which helps also.

This has to be about more than just the money. This is a big change and a commitment either way. I feel the harsh Master would do better with a 24/7 slave than me. Someone who doesnt want any control over their own lives at all, nada. I still do, even though I want a Master to control me, just not every single second of the day so that I am scared of breathing in case its not been permitted. I would be hard pushed to do normal things like go to the gym, a night out with friends, a last minute escort job, even just popping out for an hour. I cant live like that. I have spoken to different Masters before and know everyone has different methods of doing things, but sometimes even the most strict Masters let their slaves/subs do their own thing in the day and then require them at night, etc. And even they will sit down and listen to any concerns their property has. If I cant say a word then how can it really work? There will be no connection and no trust. Without trust theres nothing.

Help...I need advice! I now have 2 Masters...and I can only have 1.

I have already written of my new one, but Master number 1 came back (the one that let me down recently). And he wont tolerate another man in my life unless its at his command. I have just been to see him and he is planning some group abuse for me for next weekend. I've come home after being painfully raped and beaten, my bodies covered in stripes now and I behaved and he said I was a good little cunt. And whats more, I actually asked to be beaten by handing him the flogger from my bag. And what with the buckle that was brought down on me and various other things its obvious to see I'm marked. But people are going to start noticing soon at this rate.

Other problem is since my current Master (the one who took my new pics and features in my latest long account) made me post up an account of his session punters are taking me more seriously, asking for overnight bookings. I need the money, it would sort me out, but the Master who came back wants me to quit escorting and see no one but him. The other one cares not who I see or what I do as long as it doesnt interfere with me seeing him as and when.

This is so hard. They both have their plus points. One is older, a businessman, will look after me, take me to the best dungeons, help me financially, buy me the best props and train me to perfection be it rather harshly, I am totally obedient with him too, I dare not be otherwise, he scares me. But he will keep me in a compartmentalised box which I dont much like the sound of and push me on the painslut side which isnt my forte. The other is closer to my area, only young and I find him very attractive but he is skint, lives at home and although I know he will train me to obedience he cant offer me any support and trying to train me when parents are out isnt ideal. But I wish I could have both of them as they are so very different, have different styles and like different things but it would be unfair. I want to see how the next session goes with both of them before deciding on anything but I feel thats so dishonest and yet, I have already learnt that to put all ones eggs in a basket is a bad idea. I dont want to lose an excellent Master either, but I wont know who is best for me unless I leave it a little longer will I? I dont want to pick the wrong one and regret it. I only get one chance here, I cant blow it...help!

I just posted new pics up from my session with my new Master. They should be approved soon, I hope you enjoy.

I had two texts and two emails this morning, early. I was up last night until 5.30am doing his written tasks, I was exhausted and desperate for sleep but I had to do them. Then 5hours later he texts and says I've had enough sleep and to answer his texts asap and do as he says in his email. Well, I had turned off the ringer on my phone and didnt know and woke just before midday still very tired. All week I've been out every night and havent really had a decent sleep so it finally caught up with me this morning and I am still very tired now. I had to apologise and do as he'd asked but I can see he's a hard task master.

I'm worried that I'm not going to be good enough for him. My slut training is great, I have no doubts in that area, its my ownership and obedience that hasnt been worked on at all, and my aversion to pain thats in question here big time, and Doms expect me to behave perfectly straight away and take the pain they dish out, but how do I know without training how to conduct myself and how can I just take pain without being worked up to it first? Everything I say is wrong without direction. And as a non painslut or rather a girl who knows what kind of pain she can take alot of and what kind of pain shes a total wuss at, I feel I will struggle with pain being the main focus. But I said I would go for his all or nothing approach and then I guess he can decide if I am in fact the one as he thinks I may be.

It was my mistake though to believe that he was an amateur and believe his story, when all along he was auditioning for an obediant 'it'. Finding out everything about me before our meeting, watching my every move as I arrived and appearing to be a newbie. In fact he's one of the most dominant and imaginative Masters I've met and certainly the most controlling. But against that I am a naive virgin sub feeling very much like a fish out of water, that makes me nervous. I dont like not being able to please. I am used to being able to satisfy, but this is a new ball game for me. I am on trial now, providing I can complete my text and online tasks before we next meet for my next test in a dungeon, and only if I pass that test will I know if I am really owned or not good enough. I feel somewhat on the edge knowing I have to jump when he contacts me and drop everything for him no matter what. This is very 24/7, again totally new to me. I'll write more later.

How does one zip a video file? I've compressed it but its still too large to send and I would also like to post it on here. There doesnt seem to be the option to zip it when I right click on it.

Haha...knock me off the top blog posts?....not a chance! I have my own fan base who ask me to post more and more and so I oblige them, its only polite afterall.

So, this mornings offering..and no, I havent yet slept, (I keep odd hours) LOL..is that I changed my mind. I did indeed go and see the guy I spoke of. I have just spent the last 4hrs being his oral slave. And with quite a nice well endowed cock it was my pleasure to be of service. It was larger than I remembered too. It didnt take long before my eyes were streaming with tears and all my make up was washed away. And he certainly made sure I worked hard as soon as I got through the door, shoving his cock down my throat many a time, grabbing my hair which is now such a state, and using my dildo's on me. I was soaking wet. I suggested he took some pics and then we did a short movie of me giving him head which he said he's going to show off to his friends but next weeks one will be alot better. He keeps putting the suggestion to me that I have a gang suck with his mates and its filmed. Its up to me to decide he says but as long as he gets his oral he's not overly bothered if they get some too. I certainly got a mouth full, face full and breast full of cum tonight, I left him sore and exhausted. The only problem is having this talent sometimes can be a hinderance. It means men want to use my mouth rather than actually fuck me as they can't tear themselves away from my lips! And of course, it require them to just sit and enjoy it and not do anything at all, heaven really.

I know he wont be the one for me as he's not adventurous enough and not at all into bdsm as I quizzed him tonight on it, but he has a cock I can suck for hours and sometimes thats all I need, and it doesnt hurt to get in more practise either.

I am going to see this new guy tonight that I met at the pub last week, but I dont really know what I've let myself in for. He told me he's been showing his mates my messages and I sent him a scenario a Dom had sent me as I found it really hot. It was a gang rape. He's jokingly said that his mates would be over tonight and if I liked maybe we could reinact that scene. I laughed, this isnt the normal Dom/sub meet and I've been restrained so far afraid to reveal how I really am. I think he has something of an idea but really, really doesnt know the extent of it and this time I've kept things a bit mysterious with little hints of things but no real hard facts or detail. I told him I thought he was a closet Dom but didnt really know it yet. I mean, he remarked he had Tequila if I wanted some, and I said, are you trying to get me drunk? and he said to me, when you come over youre going to do what I tell you one way or the other, I dont need to get you drunk, now if thats not Dom then I dont know what is really, paired with his insistence that I come and service him at any time of the day or night (although so far I havent done) and his liking for being served by females as he relaxes, and obviously liking forcing me down on his cock to take him down my throat and slapping me, well, need I say more? He has potential, even if he's not really aware of it yet. I think he gets his own way with women alot, I can tell and looking the way he does its no wonder. But I dont expect anything more than tonight or just being used as and when really. Best not to have any expectations.

So I'm to be there tonight at 11pm and bring some toys with me, make myself pretty he said. His friends will be there, its up to me whether I decide to take it further with them or just be with him. He wont push me into anything, he said its my choice. But this is pretty close to home for me and I am somewhat concerned about playing the whore tonight and making things sooo easy for him in the process. If it was a proper Dom/sub meeting then I would feel differently, I would probably allow myself to be gang raped and used, but this isnt like that and I will bump into these guys down at a local bar, with my rather conservative friends who just wouldnt understand. So I do have to think beyond pleasure for a change. Tonight will be undecided until I am actually there, but I think I'll settle for just him, at least until I get to know him anyway, if it goes anywhere and I feel more comfortable telling him more about the real me. But....this time I may not reveal anything at all, see how that works out for me.