I am so happy, I have just come back from weight watchers and found in two weeks I have lost 7lbs or 3.2 kilos. So I have my silver 7 already. Must be the gym and the diet. I am aching like crazy today after doing 3 more days this week at the gym and alot of weights and cross training. Was so exhausted today though, but it was all well worth it, back to the gym again over the next few days now. And hoping that my goal to lose the excess will materialise for xmas and then I can go that little bit further and lost an extra stone just to get within the healthy range which will be a first for me. I was quite pleased when someone said to me and another member...'ah, shes great when she gets going, does really well'. I now need to stick to my reputation as being an excellent slimmer like I was a few years back and most importantly, keep it off.

I had a session last week which was a bit too harsh for me, and I know I can never be a painslut and thats a sure thing. So any bookings I now do will have to be milder and my tolerance tested first to make sure I am happy with the gadge of the blows delivered and dont have to worry about being gagged and bound so I cant move and cant communicate and dont have to use my safeword either. I feel thats the way forward now for any bdsm style bookings at least anyway. Its not put me off but it has made me think more about what I can and cant do. Even if I might like the person who's doing it to me, at the end of the day it comes down to the content of the session and if I cant deliver whats wanted then theres not really any point and I wouldnt want to waste anyone elses time or money. And as from the middle of next month my life will become increasingly busy with 4 courses and the gym so making a booking will become harder although weekends are probably a sure bet in between course work.

Now after having done two bookings in the last couple of days and then having a chance encounter with someone very unexpected whom I never thought would be remotely interested in me, I am tired. I have been preparing myself for tomorrows long afternoon hardcore booking with the stern Master. Been out to buy the things we need, now have to get my bag ready. Already written him a scenario we could work on as requested and really would just like to relax now and watch a dvd, but I cant. Last night I met a nice Irish chap who wanted to spank me and have lots of oral and that was fine by me as I'm starting to really appreciate spanking these days. Then after that, meeting or rather 'randomly bumping into' a friend of a friend whilst waiting for my bus home (which I missed due to him) who was being very friendly and when at my house just chatting, came onto a very shocked me, a few hours went past being fucked and sucking him off with my best deepthroat which again pleased. Then this afternoon I had another booking with a very enthusiastic old man, the oldest I've met so far. One thing I liked was being on a ladder arms above my head grasping onto the bars, legs around his shoulders as he ate me out and then turning around for a spanking and slight whipping. I think that guy fell in love with me and last nights was certainly inamoured too and told me I'd find tons of work in Ireland as 'I'm real' and offer so many services no one else there does.

I'm really nervous about tomorrow. I know I have to be the most obediant and submissive I've ever been and not object to even the slightest thing or try and shy away from the pain. I've had to order clamps with weights on too and whilst at it I ordered a ring gag and a collar to wrist restraint which does up behind the back. Today I bought a plastic funnel and some elastic bands. I have a feeling he wants the bands to tie my tits up. But the funnel which I bought thinking it would be good for piss play he wants for something else and I hope its not an enema I'll be forced to hold! I will HATE that. We have an agreement that I'll be paid upon performance, not on my rates. This means he might pay me alot better than my rates providing I behave and I guess for him its ideal as it means a greater control over me and ensures my complete obediance. But I want to learn to be obediant anyway, so it does benefit me as I am learning all the while, be it in a strict and possibly 'too much for me', manner. Hes glad I'm scared of him he told me, turns him on more. Indeed I dont dare misbehave this time, in any way. But a whole afternoon will be tough on me being so good and with no safewords. I guess I'll write more afterwards, maybe on Saturday when its all been done. I have no idea what I'm going to wear? I better get onto it now or else tomorrow will be murder....I will certainly sleep very well tonight, I'm exhausted!!!

So far so good. I've done 5 days out of 7 at the gym this week, stuck to eating very healthily and sorted out my sleeping patterns but keep having nightmares worse luck. I'm finding I cant stay at home, I have to go to the gym otherwise I feel depressed and restless and very bored. I dont even want to drink, although I'm still smoking.

Today I opted for the gym again rather than an oral session with me receiving! I just thought, what would make me feel better in the long run? the gym, hahaha. cos its all working towards a healthier mind and body. I've already lost a pound in weight, at least thats what the scale said yesterday. So now I've got my motivation back I feel I could be on my way to better times, but very slowly.

I just read a post and it made me sad. A black man wanting racist abuse from whites...for fucks sake, isnt it bad enough in this world with extreme racism without actively encouraging it??? He gives us all a bad name, saying he believes black people should be used by whites, takes us back to the 'real' ages of slavery and that was nothing to be laughed about or revelled in. I have nothing against some role play, I once met a guy I really liked who was into calling me a black nigga bitch for example, but he was no racist, he loved black women and actually I am more Mediterranean than black anyways, being half Med and a quarter black, but still it was a totally different scenario and wasnt serious and wasnt meant for me to take personally, was just power play with a difference and agreed beforehand.

The other thing that I just thought was crazy is he says he only wants sexual slavery and no violence...erm...if you go looking for an extreme racist owner youre gonna get violence and lots of it from all users I would think, they go hand in hand. Some real racists wouldnt even go near a non white person anyway, let alone fuck them! I can see the pissing on aspect being popular though.

Anyway, it just made me sad to read all that. I dont know if the guys for real or yet another extreme fantasist but regardless it just made me think about all those people that suffered as slaves at the hands of white people, and I believe really makes a mockery of their suffering. You only have to put on heavy iron shackles and collar to get some feeling of what they went through and that would be less than 1% of the experience. Still in this day and age theres lots of racial issues which seem almost so archaic its hard to believe people can still believe the things they do and act the way they do and so when a black person encourages that behaviour for the sake of sex its pretty fucked up and sick!!! And if its just a joke by one of the usual weirdos on here messing around its not funny.