Wisdom Of The Yellow Ardvark

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of Chillies What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

 After the last few weeks i wasa feelin a wee bit tired  and broken. broken in more ways than one.  But a few  things make me feel young again.

     &nbs p;      My views on Aging, something to make use smile.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

         ;  "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

         ;  You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

         ;  "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life. . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

          But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

        &nbs p; You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

        &nbs p; But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

        &nbs p; So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

        &nbs p; You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

        &nbs p; You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

        &nbs p; Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

Part two off a caffine induced ramble.

I hope you enjoy.

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed

 Maybe drinking way to much coffee is not a good idear. But eating coffee beans is worse.

Never mind that.

This post is to all those folks and friends who are having a bad time or are going through a rough patch.

i know every one will try and offer "best advise" and "How you should do this" and "What I Did". But All I can do is say my point: it worked for me.

Oh yes. This bit is for those you get upon a high horse and e mail me to complain about my postings. Get a Life. That also applies to the single cell members you get off posting insulting, degrading and some cases imposible coments.

So I hope the following post will  make peaple smille and enjoy life.

Good, Bad and Ugly

 Life can be bad, we all have are ups and downs. But this might put it in to perspective.

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
      Bad: It's triplets.
      Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.
   
   2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
      Bad: She wants a divorce.
      Ugly: She is a Lawyer.
   
   3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
      Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
      Ugly: So are you.
   
   4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
      Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
      Ugly: You're in them.
   
   5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
      Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
      Ugly: Your 17 year old daughter borrowed them.
   
   6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
      Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
      Ugly: He looks better than you.
   
   7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
      Bad: She keeps interrupting.
      Ugly: With corrections.
   
   8. Good: The postman's early.
      Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
      Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
   
   9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
      Bad: It's another man.
      Ugly: He's your best friend.
   
   10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
      Bad: As a hooker.
      Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
      Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

Feel free to hum or whistle the theme tune to a famous Spaghetti Weston