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The Adventures of
Just  few ramblings off The Yellow Ardvark

Posts submitted in February

Added: 2008-02-25 15:03:28
Political Correctness
Political CorrectnessHOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED NATIVE OF THE COUNTRY."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 
 
Added: 2008-02-25 15:02:23
Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies, which feature chain saws, are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid.It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over the dessert. When my Chemical ware fare drugs starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.  
 
Added: 2008-02-05 12:15:33
Things To Say At work When You're Stressed

Things to say at work when you're stressed

 


"Okay, okay! I take it back. Unscrew you"

"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing"

"Well this day was a total waste of coffee"

"Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

"Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

"Do I look like a people person?"

"This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting"

"I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"

"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose"

"Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?"

"I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"

"Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

"Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

"I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

"Not all people are annoying. Some are dead."

"Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

"Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."

"Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

"Earth is full. Go home."

"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

"You are depriving some village of an idiot."

"If assholes could fly, this place would be a freaking airport."

 
 
 Blog created by:
 The-Yellow-Ardvark

Blog created:
 2007-03-29 11:37:46

Latest update:
 2008-11-08 10:47:04

Archive:
2008
 February

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